- Do you feel like no matter what you do to shift the parent-adult child dynamic, nothing works? You just want to have a conversation about the issues, put the past behind you and move on but it seems that your adult child isn’t willing? Many parents feel as you do.
- After unsuccessfully trying to meet adult child expectations , many parents conclude that the adult child is purposely holding the relationship hostage to exert punishment, power or manipulate the parent.
- Learn a basic hostage negotiation principle that can help create healthier connection and shift the parent-adult child dynamic. Become a safer parent for your adult child.
How Can Hostage Negotiation Skills Help Me?
A client recently shared an interview between world-renowned hostage negotiator Chris Voss and the New York Times. Chris teaches a basic principle that I help my clients develop to improve the chances of healthy interaction with an estranged adult child. (My use of this article is not political but to re-enforce a skill I teach my clients.) If you want to shift the parent-adult child dynamic, I invite you to consider a different technique.
The reason I am sharing this article with you is because estranged parents often feel like they are in a hostage negotiation when an adult child refuses to engage. How can I get my adult child to listen to me? What do I have to do to get them to lift the no-contact? Why can’t we just admit the past and move on? Why can’t I see my grandchildren even though my child and I aren’t speaking? What do my grandchildren think now that I’m not visiting? Do they think I’ve forgotten about them?
“Do What I Say or Else”
I totally understand why we feel that our adult child is literally holding hostage our relationship with them. “Do what I say or else.” The adult child seems to have all the power and we are at the mercy of their every demand. No wonder parents feel helpless to make shift the parent-adult child dynamic.
We often walk on eggshells and worry about saying the wrong thing, using the wrong tone or remaining silent to keep the peace. Many times, we fail to set and enforce healthy boundaries hoping our adult child will see us as “the compassionate parent”. Simultaneously we blame adult children for their selfishness and blame ourselves for somehow screwing up the most important part of our lives – parenting.
Ignorantly, we offer our mental sanity and emotional peace on the altar of respectful parenting.
The Basic Principle of Connection
What is the basic principle of connection that moves hostage negotiations from a stand still to progress? Empathy. Empathy has two basic parts. The first part is the desire to understand another person’s viewpoint (their story). Empathy is “why” they feel as they feel or do what they do.
The second part of empathy is not being defensive about what the other person says. Empathy does not mean we agree with them. In fact we may vehemently disagree with them (or their actions) but empathy propels us to say, “Tell me your story. I want to know all of it.”
For Chris Voss, listening to why a criminal has decided to put other people’s lives at stake to get something they want is important. What is their story? What has propelled them to do what they’ve done? I can see how depending on the criminal’s story Chris might be triggered and feel some defensiveness. Certainly he has to keep a calm head and set those feelings aside during the negotiation but shifting the parent-adult child dynamic has a significantly difference.
Step One: Listening to Understand
If we want to improve an adult child relationship then first we get to listen to their story so that we understand their feelings. We want to be empathetic. This can be difficult when the adult child is saying something like, “You were always too busy and I felt you didn’t care about me” and you’re thinking, “Are you kidding? Your constant need for attention and meltdowns consumed every waking moment. I couldn’t go for a walk, much less the bathroom, without you falling apart. I was ALWAYS there for you!”
The significant difference with the parent-adult child relationship and hostage negotiation is that most often the adult child is directly or indirectly blaming the parent for how they parented. Those accusations are very personal. Of course, a parent’s first instinct is to feel defensive. “I did my best and now you’re telling me that my best wasn’t good enough.”
Step Two: Releasing Defensiveness
In order to listen without reacting defensively we have to slow down and get curious about “why” we feel defensive? What does it mean about me as a mom to have my adult child say these things about me? What do I think about myself as a person? Would I ever have spoken such things to my parent? Why or why not?
Until we take time to listen to our inner system, we will continue to react defensively. We will continue to feel powerless to shift the parent-adult child dynamic. We will continue to think that the problem is entirely with our adult child. But when we begin to listen to our feelings with gentleness instead of judgment, our inner system begins to calm down. When we develop self-compassion for the parent we were and weren’t then we can listen without feeling defensive.
If your adult child has cut your off or threatened to cut you off, I know you’re feeling hurt that they can’t or won’t remember the good in your parenting. Maybe you’ve followed the advice of friends or relatives and ended up making the relationship worse. Maybe you haven’t told a soul because you feel shame about being estranged when everyone else has happy relationships with their adult kids.
I know you never thought something like estrangement would ever happen to you and you feel that it isn’t fair. It makes total sense to me that you would feel the way you do. I’ve been where you are and it stinks.
I also know that as you develop self-compassion, your life will change. You can feel greater peace even while you’re hoping for healthier connection with an adult child. Your healing ripples out to every area of your life.
Are you ready to look at the part you played in the disconnect (even unintentionally)? Are you willing to explore difficult emotions so that you can learn to be more gentle and compassionate with yourself? Do you want to have peace about your relationship even if there is never reconnection? If you answered “yes” to these questions then you’re ready for coaching with me.
Final Takeaways
After repeated attempts to shift the parent-adult child dynamic, parents may feel like their adult child is holding the relationship hostage to inflict punishment, manipulation or power over the parent. The same principle that can move a hostage negotiation from stand-still to progress applies to the parent-adult child relationship. That principle is empathy: the desire to understand the adult child’s viewpoint without being defensive. Developing self-compassion helps release defensiveness so that we can create a healthier connection with an adult child.
