As a mother of a large family, I never dreamed that one day I would have an estranged adult child. Heck, I didn’t even know what “estrangement” was. I would be told that I didn’t do a good enough job being a mom. Because of me, my adult child was suffering. I still remember feeling confused when a friendly adult child conversation quickly turned into something that would change my life forever. I was becoming estranged and didn’t even know it.
With my heart racing and my brain scrambling to figure out what was going on, I could feel panic spur me to begin explaining “my side of the story”. After all, I was a parent of the “Oprah generation” where we learned to embrace communication as the answer to relationship issues.
“I just need to explain my reasons for what I did or didn’t do and then my adult child will understand. Once we communicate effectively, everything will be fine,” I thought.
So I did what most parents do: I began explaining.
But my adult child didn’t understand. (Why wasn’t this working?)
Then I began apologizing. (Certainly an apology will fix this, right?)
Instead of “fixing this”, my apology morphed my adult child’s emotions into full-on attack.
Then I fell silent as the storm descended upon me.
The storm grew; my adult child not seeming to notice that I was no longer engaged.
Eventually I ended the conversation with, “I gotta go” as unstoppable tears tried to mend my broken heart.
I was officially a mom with an estranged adult child.
To be totally honest, in that moment I pushed back my chair and thought, “I wish I had never had kids. This isn’t worth it. Trying to be a good mom isn’t worth this crap.”
I felt cheated, misjudged, abused, dismissed, shamed and guilty – part of me very angry with my adult child and another part of me very angry with myself.
“Why couldn’t I have been better?”
Nothing was more important to me than family and now I had actual proof that I was a total loser.
On top of that……I didn’t know anyone who had a kid who hated them so much that they cut them off. What kind of mom has that happen to them?
I was the only one…..and knowing that made the pain even worse.
I have been a CPA (Certified Public Accountant) for 14 years and a Certified Life Coach through the Life Coach School for 5 years. The experience I have shared was instrumental in me changing my primary career focus from tax returns and accounting to family estrangement coaching. I am now a Certified Family Estrangement Coach and specialize in parent / adult child estrangement.
Because I was already a coach, I had many skills to draw on to create a healthier connection with my adult child. But even a coaching certification didn’t insulate me from becoming a parent of an estranged adult child. I simply rebounded quicker. Coaching skills definitely made the difference in my ability to see my adult child relationship with new perspective. Eventually I was able to shift from wishing I had never had kids to deeply enjoying each of my adult children.
I’m not saying that my adult child was on the same healing timeline as me. Learning to embrace happiness even when I didn’t know if or when the estrangement would end changed me for the better. I am also the mother of adult children who have been estranged from each other at different times. Releasing the stress of trying to navigate the feelings of rivaling family members provided relief within me.
Family estrangement has been one of the hardest experiences of my life. I would not wish it on anyone and yet I know there’s hope for a happier life no matter what our adult child decides to do.
Working with parents and their adult children to help create healthier relationships is a privilege.
I am not a unicorn. I’m a normal person just like you. If I can become an “aware parent” comfortable with my emotions, I believe you can too.
Thank you for letting me be part of your healing.
Schedule a complimentary call today to take the first step toward a life of greater peace, happiness and possibility.