A Quick Summary
Inner work for estranged parents means learning how to calm your nervous system, notice your thoughts and reactions, and become a compassionate listener your adult child can feel safe with. This post explains the three phases of inner work and why listening – though exhausting – is key to rebuilding connection after estrangement.
“Bonny, you would be so proud of me! I got to meet with my adult daughter and I listened. In fact, I am EXHAUSTED. Listening is HARD,” reported mom.
Inner work for estranged parents takes focus and effort – and many parents ask me how to do inner work when they feel overwhelmed, hurt, and desperate to reconnect.
If you’ve followed me for very long then you know that I talk a lot about how to do “inner work”. I am always telling estranged parents that they have to do their own work if they hope to reconnect with their adult child.
But most parents are still asking:
What does inner work mean?
How do I do inner work?
This mom’s experience is a good example of inner work in real life. We get to learn how to listen with compassion and without judgment – and that skill doesn’t “just happen.”
When our adult child steps away from a relationship with us, we act very much like the swimmer who fears drowning. We grab anything and everything to not drown and, in the moment, we don’t think of anyone but ourselves.
The same survival instinct surfaces when we are cut off from our adult child.
We begin defending.
Explaining.
Blaming.
Shaming.
Over-apologizing.
Trying to stop our adult child from leaving.
Some parents blame therapy as the problem leading to estrangement.
In that moment, our brain isn’t able to think of anything else.
How to Do Inner Work for Estranged Parents (Step-by-Step Phases)
These phases show you exactly how to do inner work after estrangement.
Inner work happens in phases.
Phase One: Self-Care and Gentleness
This is the first step in learning how to do inner work after estrangement.
The first phase is learning self-care by being gentle with:
- the brain that couldn’t stop talking and listen
- the brain that won’t stop telling you how you’ve screwed everything up
- the brain that keeps trying to figure out ways to fix everything so that it will go back to normal
This is where we calm the nervous system enough to even be capable of listening.
Phase Two: Awareness
This phase of inner work for estranged parents builds awareness.
The second phase is learning to notice what we think and feel – and how those thoughts and feelings affect our interactions with our adult child.
In the beginning “noticing” happens after the fact. Later in the day, or perhaps even weeks later, we have a light bulb moment that reveals how our words or actions affected an interaction (or the lack of one). Learn more about the power of self-reflection here.
In time, we begin to notice our thoughts and feelings in the moment and are better able to respond with clarity instead of reacting from impulse.
This is how to do inner work in real time – by noticing instead of reacting.
Phase Three: Becoming
This is where you begin to see how to do inner work in conversations with your adult child.
The third phase is “becoming.”
We begin to embody:
- the gentleness of phase one
- the awareness of phase two
And we become more compassionate, more confident and calmer.
In this phase, we are able to genuinely say things like:
“You’re right. I can see how what I did was hurtful for you.”
“I really want to understand your experience.”
— without feeling like we’ll bust in two if we don’t get to tell our side of the story.
Inner Work is the Process of Becoming
I want to go back to what this mom said,
“Listening is EXHAUSTING!”
She is 100% right.
Listening takes work — mental, emotional and physical work. This is what it looks like to do inner work during an interaction with your adult child.
But in time, listening becomes easier because we become a good listener.
We have no control over our adult child and whether or not they will open up to us.
We do have control over ourselves and the kind of person we want to become.
After coaching hundreds of clients, I see this again and again:
Whenever we shift, the relationship shifts.
The mom mentioned earlier had to shift from wanting to know the reasons to becoming a mom who could listen.
During the time spent with her adult daughter, mom showed that she could listen.
Consequently, the adult daughter interpreted the listening as caring.
Compassionate listening is what opened the door a crack to future interactions.
This is why inner work for estranged parents is not optional if you hope to reconnect.
Private coaching is the quickest way to become the compassionate, confident, calm parent that you’ve always wanted to be.
FAQ for Estranged Parents
What is “inner work” for estranged parents?
Inner work is learning how to calm your emotional reactions, become aware of your thoughts, and develop the ability to listen to your adult child with compassion instead of defensiveness.
Why is listening so hard after estrangement?
Estrangement activates a survival response in the brain. Parents often feel panic, fear, shame, or urgency to fix things, which makes calm listening feel almost impossible at first.
Can inner work really help repair a relationship with an adult child?
Inner work changes how you show up. When parents become calmer and more compassionate listeners, adult children often feel safer opening up over time.
How long does inner work take?
Inner work is a process of becoming. Many parents begin noticing changes in themselves within weeks, but deeper transformation happens gradually as new habits of awareness and compassion form.
Do I need coaching to do inner work?
You can begin inner work on your own, but coaching provides guidance, support, and faster progress because you are not trying to navigate emotional triggers by yourself.
Learning how to do inner work is much easier when you have guidance and support. Book a consult to get started.
Bonny Scott is a Certified Family Estrangement Coach specializing in parent – adult child estrangement. She helps moms navigate the complexities of estrangement while rebuilding self-trust, addressing estrangement grief, and creating a healthier connection with an estranged adult child.
Dated 10.28.2024 Updated 3.26.2026
