“Everything was fine in our relationship until my adult child began going to therapy. Suddenly I can’t say anything without making my adult child feel ‘unsafe’. There are so many boundaries in our relationship that I can’t keep up with them! I don’t know why I’m the ‘bad guy’ after trying to give them so much that I never had,” complains mom.
Today’s adult child is very likely to go to therapy at some point in their life.
Can you blame them? Ask yourself if your adult child lived during Elizabeth Smart’s kidnapping or the onset of public school shootings? Whether we want to admit it not, I know that I became a fearful parent. After Elizabeth Smart was taken from her home in the night with a sibling in the same room, I never allowed a window to open more than a few inches.
While that may seem extreme, I remember wanting to protect my children and especially the relief on my daughter’s face when she saw us take precautions to keep bad people out.
I remember the Columbine shooting and the shock that swept the nation realizing that a kid could walk into a classroom and kill children. It was unfathomable (and still is).
Consequently, parents began to more carefully orchestrate “play dates” and became less willing to let their kids just run through the neighborhood. Knowing where our child was at all times jumped to the priority list.
Even as I write this, I can feel fear pulse through me and I don’t even have kids at home. (Looks like I have some emotions that want my attention).
For many parents, “being alert” about what our kids were doing and who they were with became a way of life like eating dinner or doing homework.
I’m not saying that either of these experiences in and of themselves have catapulted our children into therapy. What I am saying is that I believe these types of experiences and the lifestyle changes parents made to keep our kids safe may be showing up as anxiety or an unwillingness to adult.
Understandably we may be perceived as a reminder of the fear that our adult child wants to forget.
When we take a step back and try to put ourselves into the world our adult child grew up in then it can be easier for us to understand “why” they are going to therapy. They are trying to figure out why they think the way they think and do the things they do….and how to change it.
I do want to mention that there are many other reasons an adult child may go to therapy: domestic violence, sexual abuse, addiction, parental alienation, “had to take care of the parent”….to name a few.
What are parents supposed to do?
First, accept that we live in a time where mental health matters. That’s actually something we can learn from our adult child: that mental health matters (since we probably grew up trying not to be a whiner or ball-baby and didn’t take care of our mental health).
Second, stop waiting for your adult child to “change their mind”. The truth is: patience is DEFINITELY a virtue when dealing with estrangement but waiting for someone else to change is a waste of precious time. We only have control over ourselves, not our adult child.
Third, prepare yourself to be a positive influence in your adult child relationship. Instead of showing up hurt, angry and rejected we want to be the parent who is filled with compassion, confidence and calmness. That’s the place connection can happen.
We don’t know if or when we may look up and see our adult child standing there in the grocery aisle or at the gas station. But what I know is that without preparation, we will say or do things that we later regret and beat ourselves up for.
Instead of being able to say, “Hi. You look great in that blue blouse”, our systems are flooded with the hurt, rejection, guilt or anger and our interaction confirms to our adult child “why” they cut us off in the first place.
The fact that your adult child goes to therapy isn’t the problem.
The “problem” is how are we going to handle something we have no control over? We focus on what we DO have control over: ourselves.
If you want to be the parent who shifts your adult child relationship then private coaching is what you’ve been looking for. Take control of your happiness and your life by setting up a free consult to learn more.
