Did you want to do everything “right” as a parent? I know I did. I took my job as a mother very seriously and decades later I admit that I think very often I was a critical parent.
“Look, I’m just telling it like it is. Deciding to marry that guy (or take that job, or move away, or drop out of school or buy that car or whatever) is a horrible decision! Why should I walk on eggshells telling the kid what they want to hear instead of telling them the truth“, dad asks rhetorically?
“I recommended a book to my mom about Emotionally Immature Parents but of course, nothing has changed. She probably didn’t even read the book and obviously doesn’t care about our relationship as much as she claims,” adult child shares.
Whether this kind of remark comes from the parent or the adult child, criticism bites. In each of the above cases, the critical person doesn’t see themselves as “critical”. They see themselves as “stating the facts” and are genuinely surprised that the other person isn’t responding favorably.
Interestingly, each person sees themselves as reaching out with connecting advice. Remember that our “high expectations” (i.e. criticism) affects children differently than we may believe. Children internalize criticism – in other words, children BELIEVE the criticism. When we are critical parents, our child may seem “fine” during childhood and suffer in adulthood. See some of the effects of critical parenting here.
What is Really Happening
In the examples above, Dad believes he is imparting wisdom that will prevent future heartache and struggle for his adult child at the risk of his own discomfort. Adult child believes she is offering insight about what will heal the relationship to her less informed parent. Dad doesn’t see himself as a critical parent. Adult child doesn’t see themselves as a critical child.
In both cases, the “advice” lands flat and causes more disconnect. Why?
Because neither approach offers any respect or compassion to the receiver. Bluntly put, each person thinks they are superior to the other.
The truth is: Dad’s insight is probably very valuable but his delivery sends a direct message, “Let me solve this problem for you because you’re just not smart enough to figure it out on your own (and I’m not able to process my worry emotion so that I can trust that you can figure this out).
Additionally: Adult child’s recommendation may be valuable to help heal the relationship but sends the message, “Your generation, your upbringing, your life experiences left you broken and now you broke me. You are the reason the relationship is broken….not me.”
In both cases, criticism is the issue. Neither person believes they are being critical but the reality is that they are. Criticism is judgmental, lacks compassion and tends to trigger the tender parts of people. Why are we surprised that connection isn’t happening?
The Relationship Destroyer – Criticism
I still remember the day that my adult daughter was standing in my kitchen and positioning jars into the canner. If you look at the picture, you’ll see that the green part of the lifters grab the jar. The wooden part of the lifters are held in your hand.
For whatever reason, my daughter was holding the green end in her hand and holding on the jar with the wooden part. Without thinking (there’s a clue as to how parents get themselves into trouble) I looked over and said, “Why are you holding the jars like that? The lifters are upside down.”
Instantly she retorted, “I don’t know how to use these stupid things! I’ve never done this before!” Then she slammed the lifters on the counter, obviously upset.
I have replayed this scene a hundred times. I honestly didn’t know that she “didn’t know” how to use the lifters. She seemed so proficient. She had lived away from home for several years so I assumed that she had done some canning with friends (assuming is another clue about how parents get themselves into trouble).
I wasn’t yet a coach so although I apologized, I had no idea how to validate my daughter’s feelings. Although I didn’t intend to be (or did I?), I was critical and a bit belittling of her ignorance.
I now better understand my inner system and that a part of me wanted to show off my superior knowledge. I now also understand that a part of her inner system was triggered by my criticism, probably because I had been critical of her at other times before.
Rebuilding Trust for Estranged Parents
If you’re beginning to realize that maybe you’ve been a critical parent in the past then it’s time to consider shifting your position in the relationship. If we want to create a healthier connection and feel peaceful about our relationship then we get to be responsible for the ways we may have hurt our children (even when we didn’t mean to).
As I was writing this email (join my list here), I realized that if this story about the canner had “popped into my head right now” then it was for a reason. I am sure I tried to apologize at the time but I am also sure that I had a lot of “I’m sorry but I thought….” added in. I suspect the apology landed flat.
Right now I am glad that I am still on speaking terms with this adult daughter.
So I apologized…..without excuses…..without reasons.
“I was critical of how you were holding the jar lifters. You did not deserve to be criticized. I was thoughtless and insensitive to your feelings and the work you were doing. I wish I could go back in time and do that differently. I am so sorry.”
A part of me was saying, “It’s been 8 years. There is no reason to bring this up. Let it go.”
But another part was saying, “Moments like this are the ones that stay with us. These moments matter. Small interactions cause long lasting results.”
My adult daughter responded, “Thanks mom.”
What Accountability Taught Me
Notice my adult child’s response. She did not respond with “What are you talking about?” or “It’s fine” or “I had forgotten about that”.
What she said was, “Thanks mom.”
She knew exactly what I was talking about. I suspect that she remembered the criticism. (Even if she didn’t remember I took the opportunity to let her know that I can admit when I am wrong and that I value our relationship.) Fortunately for our relationship, she is in a place to receive my apology and offer me grace.
Please understand. The only reason I was able to offer this apology is because I have emotionally matured A LOT in the past 8 years. I have shared this personal story to impress the importance of paying attention to “small things” instead of pushing them away (a habit that has been part of my life for decades.)
Relationships are going to rupture. The question is are we able to offer repair so that the relationship can recover?
To strengthen an adult child relationship we get to become comfortable with repairing it. In order to do that we get to understand why we may say critical things in the first place. As your coach, I can help you become the parent who can be honest about your part in the rupture, feel good about the repair and be compassionate during recovery. Book a free consult to get started.
