Several decades ago, my husband Michael and I volunteered with a tornado cleanup crew in Oklahoma City. I assumed we’d be helping remove debris or shovel out damaged areas. But nothing prepared me for what we were about to see.
When we arrived, I couldn’t believe my eyes.
Everything was gone. Not damaged. Not broken. Just… gone.
A Devastating Loss with No Way to Prove It
We reported to our station and waited for our assignment. A team leader approached us and said,
“An elderly man had his life savings in his freezer. The tornado took the freezer. He’s devastated. Can you search the area for any of the money?”
I asked, “Do you think there’s a chance we’ll find anything?”
“No,” he replied, “but he can’t leave until he knows for sure.”
So, we started digging. We raked through thick mud and broken pieces of the life that had once stood there. We never found a single dollar.
And yet, this man had lost more than money.
What is Estrangement Grief?
That man was experiencing ambiguous loss—a type of grief that doesn’t have clear answers or closure. Yes, he knew how much money was gone. But he had also lost something even greater: his sense of safety, his dreams of security, and his confidence in the future. Similarly, estranged parents often suffer estrangement grief from the ambiguous loss of connection with an adult child.
Estrangement grief happens when:
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You’ve been cut off by your adult child or grandchildren
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You don’t understand why the relationship ended
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Your adult child is still physically alive, but emotionally or relationally absent
You ask questions that go unanswered:
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Why did they cut me off?
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Will I ever hear from them again?
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What did I do that was so wrong?
You grieve the future you thought you’d have—the holidays, milestones, and everyday moments now lost.
How Estrangement Grief Shows Up
This unique kind of grief can look like:
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Persistent longing
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Waves of anger or confusion
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Obsessive thoughts about your child or what went wrong
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Hope that rises and crashes when a short message comes through (“Thank you”) but nothing else follows
The loss is real. But others may not recognize it.
When the World Says “Move On,” But Your Heart Can’t
People often try to help but say things like:
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“Just let them go.”
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“Get over it.”
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“Focus on the kids who do talk to you.”
These comments can feel deeply invalidating.
You’re not weak for grieving a child who is still alive.
Just like the elderly man after the tornado, you’re searching for something precious—your connection, your place in their life, your role as a parent.
Adult Children Experience Ambiguous Loss and Estrangement Grief Too
It’s important to remember: ambiguous loss isn’t one-sided.
An adult child who feels hurt, unheard, or unsafe with a parent can also feel deep sorrow.
They may ask:
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Why doesn’t my parent care about how I feel?
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Why won’t they try to repair the relationship?
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Will we ever feel close again?
The grief is complicated on both sides. But knowing the name for it—ambiguous loss—can be the first step toward healing.
3 Steps to Cope with Ambiguous Loss as an Estranged Parent
1. Name What You’re Feeling
Understanding that your grief is real and valid is powerful. Give it a name: ambiguous loss.
2. Accept That the Relationship May Never Be the Same
This doesn’t mean giving up hope. It means letting go of the need for things to “go back” to what they were. That’s how healing begins.
3. Reach Out for Support
Isolation intensifies estrangement grief. Connect with someone who understands—whether it’s a support group, therapist, or estrangement coach. You don’t have to do this alone.
Final Thoughts: Grieving Without Closure
You are allowed to feel sorrow and still live your life.
You don’t have to “get over it.” But you can become strong enough to carry the grief and still move forward.
You can hold sorrow in one hand and hope in the other.
If you’re ready to begin processing this loss, I invite you to book a free consultation and take the first step toward healing.
