- How do we make amends to a family member? We want to see, hear and understand why they feel the way that they feel. We don’t have to agree with their viewpoint in order to make amends.
- If you are the parent of an estranged adult child, validating their feelings and acknowledging their hurt are first steps. This is part of taking responsibility for our actions. Heartfelt apologies are offered without excuses, followed up with changed behavior.
- Have you apologized, taken responsibility and made amends but your estranged adult child isn’t responding the way you hoped? You’re confused because you just don’t know what else you can do?
- Building a healthy relationship begins with building trust. Even though an adult child may want to connect with their parent, they fear that the relationship will be the same as before.
- Learn 3 reasons adult children fear connection even when the parent is doing everything the adult child asked. Understanding these fears can create compassion for both the parent and the adult child.
How to Make Amends to Family
When we experience a disconnect or estrangement with an adult child, parents often ask, “How do I make amends to family? I don’t know why I should have to apologize for things that happened 30 years ago. Why is my adult child focusing on the past (which can’t be changed) instead of looking to the future?”
Knowing how to make amends to family is important because every relationship will experience ruptures. Whether a neighbor, a coworker, a partner or family member, ruptures are part of life. The issue is not the rupture. The issue is the repair. Unless we know how to make amends to family, we will miss out on the unique opportunity to repair a rupture so that the relationship can recover. Having the support of a coach, counselor or therapist can help you navigate the repair process.
Accepting Responsibility without Defensiveness
We make amends when we accept that our family member is hurting and we have done something (knowingly or unknowingly) to cause their hurt. If our feelings (being misjudged, blamed, unappreciated….) get in the way, we will become defensive and unable to take responsibility for our part in the rupture. In fact, defensiveness will prevent us from hearing the problem and stall connection before it can ever really begin. Successful amends happens after an estranged parent has begun their inner work.
A Specific, Sincere Apology
After we take responsibility for our part in the rupture, we offer a sincere, specific apology. Instead of saying, “I’m sorry you’re hurting” or “I’m sorry I wasn’t a better mother” we want to address our adult child’s complaint. If you were a parent who worked long hours and your child was often alone (although old enough and capable to be alone) a more specific apology might sound like, “When I was working long hours, I didn’t think about what that was like for you. I am sorry that me working left you feeling alone and sometimes afraid. You deserved to feel safe and protected. I am committed to being more aware about how my actions affect others, especially you.”
Rebuilding Trust
Your family member may welcome your amends with open arms but generally speaking the repair process takes time. Accepting responsibility and offering a sincere apology are pieces to the repair process but not the entire process. The next step is rebuilding trust in the relationship which takes consistent effort and patience. Honoring a family member’s boundaries and respecting their decisions (even when you don’t agree with them) helps to build trust in the relationship. Like the story of the tortoise and the hare, the consistent although seemingly slow tortoise eventually wins the race. When rebuilding trust, remember the tortoise.
When the Hoped For Response Doesn’t Happen
Even after we learn how to make amends with family and do all the steps, sometimes we don’t get the response we hoped for especially with an adult child. Moms wonder, “What else can I do? Everything my child has asked me to do, I have done it. Yet we’re not connected. Why not?” You want to shift the parent-adult child dynamic but it seems like your adult child just isn’t willing.
An estranged adult child may wonder, “Is my parent’s apology ‘real’ or are they just trying to smooth things over? Do they truly understand how I feel or am I being tricked?” Let’s discuss 3 adult child fears that may prevent them from accepting your amends and connecting with you.
3 Fears That Can Prevent Connection
#1 Erasing the underlying relationship issues
Parents often say they want to address and solve the relationship issues so that “we can move forward” or “let the past go.” Unknowingly the very terms “move forward” and “let the past go” may be the exact reasons why your adult child will not interact with you….at least not in the way that you wish they would.
While the parent sees “moving forward” as a healthy alternative to silence or estrangement, the adult child sees “moving forward” as a “parent’s get out of jail free card” – in other words: the adult child fears that connection will erase the underlying relationship issues. For that reason, the adult child remains distant to prevent the parent from thinking the problems are solved. Some parents judge this reaction as immature or childish. If you are feeling some judgment about this fear, I offer you an example that may create some wiggle room in your system.
A Personal Example
My first husband was a binge drinker. He might go a year or more without drinking but when he started, he couldn’t stop. In our short marriage I learned how to negotiate and purchase a car in the time it takes to watch a movie. Why? Because he got drunk and wrecked our cars.
Buying cars was wasn’t as irritating as his attitude that once he had apologized, I was supposed to act as though everything was fine. Everything wasn’t fine. An apology couldn’t begin to repair the mental and emotional damage our family suffered but he couldn’t see that. All he could see is that if he apologized and wasn’t drinking, I should be the forgiving, loving, supportive wife who never reminded him of the hell his drinking had caused. I should just “move on”.
He wanted to sweep his drinking under the rug even though we lived with the consequences of it every day. I offer this example as a way to open up to the possibility that your adult child’s fear is very understandable.
#2 Finding themselves back in the same cycle
An estranged adult son recently sent a birthday card to his mother. The message in the card was generic and the son signed “have a happy birthday” with his name. The mom was at first pleased and then disappointed. Mom couldn’t enjoy the unexpected card because the message was so impersonal
This adult child worries that if he writes a sentimental note then his mother will assume that “everything is fine between them.” (or at the very least “significantly better”, which it wasn’t.)
Adult children often worry that they will once again find themselves back in the same cycle that created the initial estrangement. They may hope for their parent’s love and approval but dread a repeat of the past. Distance feels safer than connection so mom gets an emotionless birthday card.
#3 The parent’s needs are more important
Finally, the fear that the parent isn’t capable of handling their own emotions. Instead of listening to and validating the adult child’s feelings, the parent is thinking of themselves. What does this look like?
The parent is busy defending their parenting and life circumstances. Mom or Dad expects their adult child to comfort them instead of acknowledging their adult child’s pain. “I don’t expect my child to comfort me,” exclaims mom! “One would think they could recognize how much I struggled/suffered/went through and it wasn’t easy but I put them first.”
Your Feelings Make Sense
I don’t blame you for wanting a little recognition. We would love to hear, “Mom, I just don’t know how you did it. You overcame so many obstacles. Life was hard at times but you managed.” Wouldn’t we feel “comforted” that our adult child understood a little bit of our struggles? Absolutely…..and….
When our emotional needs take precedence, we are literally saying, “I know you have something to say but listen to me first. Understand me first. Fill my cup first then I’ll listen to you.”
Even when parents disagree with their adult child, we want to take their pain and their experience seriously. Defensiveness creates distance every single time. Defensiveness is the reminder that the parent still isn’t listening…..and maybe isn’t able to.
Healing Is Not Linear
When we hope to repair a rupture in an adult child relationship, remember that healing is not linear. You will find some steps easier and your adult child will find other steps easier. That’s normal. The process is up and down, steps forward and back but never in a consistent pattern. You don’t have to navigate estrangement alone. Get coaching support.
Final Takeaways
Accepting responsibility, offering a sincere apology, committing to change and rebuilding trust help us make amends to a family member. An adult child may not accept our amends but that doesn’t mean that we’ve done it wrong. Fearing the parent wants to avoid the issues, past habits will resurface or the parent is only thinking of themselves blocks connection. Healing is not linear and rebuilding trust takes consistent patience and effort.
Dated 10/10/2025
