- Mother daughter estrangement increases when relationship expectations are unyielding. If mom expects more closeness and the daughter expects privacy, for example, there is a mismatch of expectations which can contribute to future estrangement.
- Whenever we expect the other person prove their love or loyalty by agreeing with our beliefs, the likelihood of mother daughter estrangement increases. Emotional safety erodes and creating distance (by either parent or adult child) feels protective.
- Media messaging during childhood creates beliefs about family and what that family should look like. We may strive to have a “perfect family” or “live happily ever after” and then feel disappointed when those ideals don’t exist (at least not the way they did in the movies).
- Ruptures are normal. If we want to improve family relationships, we want to know how to repair a rupture so that the relationship can heal.
“My Mother Should Have Known”
“If my mother had been paying attention, she should have seen that I had anxiety in grade school,” accuses adult daughter. “Because of her neglect, I have struggled with anxiety my entire life. She is the reason why I don’t have meaningful relationships today.”
Blaming others can provide a temporary feeling of control and relief that the problems we haven’t overcome should never have been our problems to begin with. If mom or dad had done their job better then my life would be better.
The downside to blame is forward movement stops. As long as the problem is someone else’s fault then there’s nothing I can do except wait for them to change. This seems to be the point where labeling parents as “toxic” or “emotionally immature” feel especially powerful. Besides blaming our parent, we will add name-calling to the list.
As long as this daughter’s expectation is that her mother should have seen her distress and done something about it the likelihood of mother daughter estrangement will increase. Whether parent or adult child we want to remember that unless we have lived the other person’s experience, we truly do not know what they experienced.
Is it true that some parents are horrible parents? Yes. Are there adult children who suffer from the neglect and abuse of their childhood? Yes. Was it fair? I don’t think so.
Expectation Mismatch
“It was Mother’s Day. You would think my daughter could send a simple text,” mom complains. “If I send my mother a text on Mother’s Day she will think that everything is “fine” between us and it definitely is not,” shares adult daughter.
This mother and daughter have an expectation mismatch that feels like chronic disappointment, disrespect and rejection. Over-time these hurt feelings can escalate the conflict to mother daughter estrangement.
We don’t have to agree with one another to create healthier connection (think politics, religion, gender issues, money, etc). We just have to be willing to understand the other person’s viewpoint. Considering the media bickering of the world we currently live in, we get ask ourselves, “Am I being tolerant of her viewpoint or do I expect her to change for me?”
Very often I have adult children demand that their parent agree with their viewpoint to “prove their love” to them. “We can’t have a relationship unless you agree with and apologize for everything.” (If I had a dollar for every time I heard that demand, I would be a millionaire.) Even when parents apologize for every little thing, the adult child is not satisfied. This type of apology feeds the blame cycle and thwarts healing.
Emotional blackmail will never create healthy connection.
Taking Responsibility
I am always fascinated by the adult child who expects their parent to have parented in ways that didn’t exist decades ago. I am equally fascinated by the parent who believes they understand the parenting world their child lives in. One world is not “better” than the other; they are simply different. Like traveling in a foreign country, we want to be respectful of the culture and not assume that “our way is better.”
The truth is that we can only be responsible for the knowledge we have at any given point in time. In my experience as an Estrangement Coach, we can only “understand more” when our inner system is ready to understand more. I had a client reach out who I worked with 1.5 years ago. She made tremendous progress in our time together.
She told me, “You know when you would talk about being able to validate my adult child to help connect with him? Well, I think I finally can. I couldn’t imagine me doing that before but now it seems so obvious.”
The only thing that happened for this mom is that her inner system was ready to integrate the knowledge her brain had stored. We want to remember that healing is not linear and our adult child’s healing will not be on the same timeline as our healing. This concept is why we may be “able” to accept responsibility for something at one time of our life and not at another.
Living Happily Ever After
If you grew up in America, there’s a good chance that you watched a few Disney movies with your children. I know Cinderella and Snow White were staples in our home. I had never focused much on the “evil stepmother” until I was suddenly a stepmother myself.
Then I didn’t much care for the description “evil”. I resented the fact that society at large seemed to judge stepmoms as people who had “ulterior motives” instead of being willing to love and care for kids who weren’t their own.
Additionally, there’s the “and they lived happily ever after” phrase that sounds great in a bedtime story but is totally unrealistic in the real world. Additionally the mother role is often eliminated while the “evil stepmother” role is accentuated.
Brains Record Everything
Why are we talking about Disney movies, stepmothers and “happily ever after” in relation to mother daughter estrangement? Because our supercomputer brains record every tiny detail 24/7 and store this information for future use…..including movies, songs, etc. Childhood expectations can influence what we believe our family should be like in adulthood and ultimately lead to mother daughter estrangement when mom can’t live up to those ideals.
I know that I didn’t grow up watching Disney movies as a kid. The only way to watch a Disney movie was when it aired once a year on TV.
But I “watched” hundreds of Disney movies as my kids grew up (and we only had the TV on Friday evening through Saturday). Even though I wasn’t riveted to the movie, my brain recorded it so I would have the information when I needed it. Every time Cinderella finally got the handsome prince, my brain recorded it….over and over again. (You may imagine that my husband didn’t stand a chance being a “normal guy” against the Handsome Prince.)
Without realizing it, my brain was learning about family relationships by watching Disney movies. (now that’s a scary thought, right???). Be kind. Your brain may be basing your family relationship knowledge on the shows you’re watching.
The point is: subconscious expectations affect how we view our families today. The Princess finding her Prince and then living “happily ever after” (without her mother).
Repairing a Relationship Rupture
I invite you to consider that maybe your family is a lot more “normal” than you think it is. Sometimes people don’t get along, are stubborn, feel hurt, suffer with mental health issues, addiction or the influence of others who thwart your hope of a happy family. Other times our expectations contribute to mother daughter estrangement.
The issue isn’t experiencing the family dysfunction; the issue is knowing how to repair a relationship rupture. Developing self-compassion helps us listen without judgment and validate our adult child’s feelings. Accepting responsibility for our actions and committing to different behavior helps build trust with our adult child. We want to be the grounded parent that our adult child feels safe to interact with. Remember, building trust takes time.
We want to get curious about where we got the belief that mothers and daughters are supposed to have a super close relationship. As long as we expect perfection, we will continue to feel cheated…..and feeling cheated can increase mother daughter estrangement. Check out “The Way We Never Were – American Families and the Nostalgia Trap” by Stephanie Coontz for great insights into this subject.
Need an easy way to begin healing? Get my free Managing Estrangement Trauma Guide for 6 areas that estrangement trauma may have affected you. .
Dated 12.30.2024 Updated 12.18.2025 Updated 1.20.2026
