- Most parents react with defensiveness, blaming, apologizing or going silent when an adult child creates distance in the relationship.
- Parents are unprepared for an adult child’s criticisms often because the parent would never have criticized their parent.
- The inner turmoil of feeling accused or attacked prevents the parent from compassionately listening to understand their adult child’s viewpoint.
- Preparation means understanding why you react the way you do so that you can choose something different in the future.
- Prepared parents are better able to listen without judgment, offer compassion and work to repair relationship ruptures.
Unhealthy family patterns may eventually result in family estrangement. As a Certified Family Estrangement Coach, I see the results of unhealthy patterns usually between parents and their adult child(ren). “Preparing” is one of the best ways to deal with family estrangement and shift family dynamics. We “prepare” to show up differently in our relationships, not because we are “wrong” but because we want to be part of healing the relationship.
What does preparing look like? We become comfortable with listening to how our inner system works: why we do the things we do (or say). We develop self-compassion for our screwups…..not so that we push them under the rug or make excuses but so we can better understand our part in the estrangement. If you’re feeling like “I didn’t ask to be cut off! My adult child did that”, I understand how you feel. The truth is that relationships are two-way so accepting responsibility for “your part” shows your adult child that you want to improve the relationship.
When Estrangement Happens
When an adult child cuts off contact, shock follows. The experience is like a bad dream that you hope will not be there when you awake. Many moms feel devastated and overwhelmed with heartbreak or sorrow. Maybe you’ve felt that way. I know I have. Estrangement feels like the ultimate way of an adult child saying, “You suck. All of those long nights pacing the floor (whether with teething infants or delinquent teens) was a waste of time. The hours of homework, practices, games and vacations are meaningless. Sure we had some “good times” but I’m not going to focus on those. I only want to remember every wrong thing you ever did.”
As a call with my adult child went from casual to intense, I suddenly found myself thinking, “I just need to explain. This is just a misunderstanding.” When that tactic didn’t work I defended myself without success. The voice on the other end was shouting now and I went silent. Quiet tears streamed down my face as I waited for a breath that would allow me to leave the call. I felt unfairly attacked and very confused.
After my adult child cut me off, I pushed back my chair and thought, “This wasn’t worth it. I wish I had never had kids.” By this point I had children with addiction issues, health issues, mental health issues and then being cut off was the straw that broke the camel’s back. My life had been spent helping my children grow into happy, decent humans (at least I thought so until now.) I immediately felt like a mom failure consumed with shame, guilt and regret.
Estrangement Even Though I Was a Life Coach
And I was a life coach. I had been doing my inner work before the unexpected disconnect happened (never dreaming that my child would be a part of my inner healing). Fortunately I was better prepared to deal with the mental and emotional backlash yet I still felt like a total failure. After I wished that I had never had kids, I burst into tears. My heart was literally breaking. Dealing with family estrangement cemented my belief that I was a “mom failure”.
I didn’t know if and when I might ever get the chance to interact with this adult child again but I decided that I needed to prepare myself. I already knew that an infinite cut off was possible. This particular family member had previously cut off other family members; some for as long as 4 years (and counting). I hoped to nurture a healthy adult child connection even though the odds seemed to be against me.
When we have that odd, unusual, rare or unexpected interaction with an estranged adult child, we want to be prepared. Understanding why we do (or have done) what we do and being gentle with ourselves is a huge first step. Recognizing what we’re feeling inside while calmly, compassionately listening to our adult child is a huge step toward healthier connection. We want to be able to face them confidently and not freak out. It may be the only chance we get to positively influence a reconciliation. Being familiar with how our inner system works helps us to honor both ourselves and our adult child. Read Inner Work for Estranged Parents to learn more.
When the Unexpected Happens
Let me tell you a story of a mom who was struggling with an estranged adult daughter. The daughter refused to speak to mom or interact with her in any way. They lived in different cities. Mom fretted that a once close relationship was now basically non existent. Dealing with family estrangement provided many sleepless nights for mom which only made it harder for her to think as clearly as she used to do. The adult daughter seemed to be busy with her life and happy……without mom. Mom did what so many of us do: she “kept herself busy so that she didn’t think about her adult daughter” all of the time.
Now when I tell you that sometimes the strangest things happen, I’m not kidding.
Mom walks into the grocery store….in her own town…..far away from where the daughter lives or plays. As she’s turning the cart at the end of an aisle, mom looks up and her adult daughter is standing there! The daughter looks up at the same time. Mom did what many moms do and tried to “fake it till you make it”. She tried to be casual and said “hello” to her daughter. In a split second, a casual “hello” turned into “words” between the two of them (in the aisle of the store).
Mom stormed off but not before she told her daughter to “Flip off” (you get my drift)…..out loud…..in the store. The irony is that mom doesn’t use the “F” word….. ever. In this very public place, mom’s heartbreak, worry, hurt and sorrow bubbled up like Old Faithful at Yellowstone Park.
Why Did Mom Deal With Family Estrangement That Way?
The unexpected interaction threw mom’s inner system into fight or flight. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t “fake it till you make it”.
Mom’s disappointment in how she reacted created even more pain. She finally had her daughter right in front of her and knew the entire conversation could have gone better. She wished she had been more relaxed, more welcoming and happier to see her daughter. The truth: mom felt VERY happy to see her daughter but the happiness remained hidden. The hurt part of mom told her daughter to “F off”. Mom reacted instead of responded. Dealing with family estrangement caused unexpected stress at the very moment she needed to be calm.
When we ignore our pain then we are more prone to lash out. What we want to do instead is be curious and gentle about the hurt we feel. As we nurture our hurts then we are better prepared to nurture our adult child’s hurts (even if we disagree with them). We can respond calmly to the unexpected adult child interaction instead of saying or doing things that we later regret. We can nurture a healthy adult child connection instead of deepening the divide.
Some parents feel offended at the idea that “they should have to prepare” to interact with their adult child. It makes sense that parents feel that way. After all, we would never have complained to our parents or in any way told them some of the mean, hateful things our adult children say to us. In fact, to do so was a sign of ingratitude. I hear you. I grew up that way too.
We can honor our parents and the good from our childhoods while also creating a safer connection – a healthier connection with a family member, especially an adult child. Unfortunately, we can’t just “shoot from the hip” on this one. When dealing with family estrangement, preparation is key to shifting the family dynamic.
Prepare for the unexpected. You might look up and find your adult child staring at you.
Get my free Managing Estrangement Trauma guide for 6 ways you can begin preparing today!
Key Takeaways
Trying to “fake it till you make it” isn’t preparation for dealing with family estrangement. When an adult child distances, makes space or cuts off a parent, the parent’s inner system will naturally defend, explain, apologize or go silent. Creating a healthier connection depends on a different type of response. As we better understand why we do the things we do, then we are better able to respond to our adult child instead of react. We want to compassionately listen without judgment to better understand our adult child’s viewpoint (even if we don’t agree with them.) Even though questioning our parents may have been unacceptable, we can still learn, grow and deal with family estrangement in a healthier way.
September 25, 2024; Updated December 9, 2025
