Is it really possible that a daughter-in-law can break up a family? Aren’t the parents “looking for someone to blame” for an already bad relationship with their adult child? That’s what many daughter-in-laws say. Let’s take a closer look at possible hidden issues that can show up with an in-law child, especially a daughter-in-law.
“We have always had a great relationship; able to talk about anything, disagree sometimes and move on,” mom shares. “Then our son got married. When he was dating, his girlfriend seemed fine with our family. But as soon as the ring was on her finger, things changed. Even during the pre-wedding days, we saw that she didn’t want us around. Now we aren’t allowed to text, call, email…nothing. Her family can visit but we can’t,” mom finishes.
What happened? How did the parents become enemies to the daughter-in-law and consequently to their adult child? While this article focuses on daughter-in-laws, the same principles apply to son-in-laws also. In my experience, more parents report daughter-in-laws breaking up their families. That doesn’t mean son-in-laws don’t break up families; More parents of daughter-in-laws reach out for support from me.
Daughter-in-law’s Hidden Issues Leading to Estrangement
While each situation is unique, I’ll offer some of the most common hidden issues that arise with in-law children. Please remember that in-law issues could be from either gender.
First, your daughter-in-law’s family dynamics growing up just merged with your family dynamics. Any past issues with parents or siblings are going to show up in their relationship with your adult child. For example, if your daughter-in-law had a critical parent growing up then she may be hypersensitive to any perceived criticism from you. Of course you have no way of knowing about the critical parent and perhaps your family dynamic was always that everyone could speak their mind, disagree with one another (maybe passionately) and leave as friends. Their need to feel “safe” will override any logical explanation you can make.
Second, your daughter-in-law’s desire to break up the family may result from a mental health disorder which manifests with manipulative or controlling behavior. Even depression or anxiety can influence a daughter-in-law to do whatever it takes to feel safe or avoid feeling anxious. If a parent has a characteristic that triggers daughter-in-law’s anxiety then she may insist that spending time with you isn’t good for their mental health and expect your adult child to back them up.
Third, a daughter-in-law may challenge your adult child’s love for them expecting absolute loyalty as a sign of a committed relationship. Sons are particularly vulnerable because very often, a wife may be a son’s only “real friend”. All a wife has to do is challenge her husband’s masculinity to catapult him into action. “It’s so obvious that you can’t make a decision without talking to mama first. A real man would stand up for himself and DEFINITELY for his wife!” As a result, the daughter-in-law requires your child to cut off contact with perhaps every family member….especially if those family members disagree with the daughter-in-law. Read more insights from Dr. Joshua Coleman. Let’s face it: if a guy has only one friend then he may be very reluctant to losing that friend.
Mistakes Parents Make with In-laws
One of the biggest mistakes parents make in this situation is to criticize the daughter-in-law, either to their face or to their own adult child. If you’ve already done this, I understand. It seems perfectly logical to tell your adult child that their partner/spouse has “issues” or is trying to ruin your family.
This strategy always backfires…..okay maybe there was a time it didn’t backfire…..so it backfires about 99% of the time.
Remember that your adult child chose this partner. For whatever reason, your adult child decided to commit to this other person. Maybe your adult child needs to be “needed” or the daughter-in-law has some of your characteristics that feel “normal” to your adult child…..there are 100s of “maybes” for how and why your adult child ended up with this person. But they did. (My first husband was an alcoholic. My dad was an alcoholic. Even though I didn’t drink or want to be around drinkers, I was drawn to an alcoholic.)
Our job as parents is to let our adult child “adult”. Part of adulting is making decisions. Whenever we begin criticizing the daughter-in-law our adult child hears, “Well you sure screwed this up. You took a major life decision and failed.”
Now WE don’t think that’s what we’re saying. WE think we’re saying, “Sweetheart, your partner has problems. You deserve better. Let me help you.” We believe we’re being supportive.
Let’s say that your adult child and the in-law child decide to separate. Your adult child comes to you, bears their soul and gives you real evidence that 100% supports everything you ever thought about the daughter-in-law. Most often parents will agree with their adult child and share with them their concerns about the partner.
Not a good idea.
IF and WHEN your adult child reunites with the in-law child, I promise you that they will tell them everything you said during the separation. Now daughter-in-law has ammunition to keep the estrangement alive. (Because you’re not a supportive parent; you don’t believe in adult child’s decision making skills; you are undermining them).
Steps for Dealing with Daughter-in-laws
Let’s not forget that an adult child’s mental health issues may draw them to use the daughter-in-law as a means of creating distance with you. If your adult child never stood up for themselves then the daughter-in-law may be the perfect vehicle for them to do just that.
Family relationships are complex because people are complex. Every situation is unique even if there are similarities.
I know it’s painful to feel like an adult child is choosing their partner over you, the parent. But the truth is: the partner is always going to trump the parent. That’s part of adulting.
What can you do?
- Get Support: You need to be heard and begin to heal. Let the parts of you that feel hurt express themselves in a safe space.
- Develop Self-Compassion: Stop being mean to yourself. There is a way to look back honestly without making excuses – that’s through self-compassion.
- Prepare for Reconnection: We want to show up compassionately, confidently and calmly even if our adult child totally freaks out.
Compassion creates connection.
Private coaching can help you shift to a healthier family dynamic. If a daughter-in-law breaks up your family, show up with compassion, confidence and calmness. Learn more about estrangement coaching.
Key Takeaways:
- Just because your daughter-in-law says you were a bad parent doesn’t make it true.
- Your adult child may be using their partner as a way to stand up for themselves.
- Finding fault with the in-law child provides “proof” that you are a toxic parent. “See, I told you she would say that!”
- Self-compassion helps you to take an honest look at the your part in the estrangement.
Bonny Scott is a Certified Family Estrangement Coach. She works with parents and adult children to help them recognize faulty family dynamics and create healthier connections.
