If there’s one subject that can get a parent’s blood boiling, it’s the subject of money (especially as it relates to their adult child). When should parents stop giving money to an adult child especially one who won’t speak to them?
“We paid for our daughter’s college degree. When she later decided that she wanted to study abroad to get a culinary education; we supported her in that too. Let me tell you, the European education wasn’t cheap. The irony of this story is that now she tells us that we have only “thought of ourselves” and “never did anything for her,” fumes mom.
“I just can’t understand how we are the enemy! How can she accuse us of not supporting her or only thinking of ourselves,” mom continues?
“This doesn’t make sense,” dad growls. “I’ve worked all my life and have willingly helped my adult son but he refuses to speak to me. Why am I good enough to get money from but not good enough to interact with?”
The Estranged Parent’s Viewpoint
If you’re a parent who thought that your adult child would appreciate your financial help at least enough to have a civil conversation, you’re not alone. Many, many parents feel the same way you do.
It’s logical right? “You don’t bite the hand that feeds you.” In other words, if someone provides for you in some way you owe them something in return….right?
Maybe. Let’s take a closer look.
Whenever we discuss money we get to remember that money is an emotional trigger for many (if not most) people. First let’s look at the parent’s point of view.
Let me share the story of my dad. He grew up in a small Texas town, the son of a sharecropper. He was nine years old when the Great Depression hit. My mom told me that after they married and he was out of the military that she begged my dad to buy a house. But he wouldn’t hear of it. “No, I’m never going to buy a house. It’s not safe.”
Mom and Dad rented their houses; they rented their furniture (which really irritated my mom). Leasing cars hadn’t been created so they owned their cars.
Interestingly Daddy did buy a gas station and mom kept the books. Eventually he lost the gas station when his health began to fail. Kind of like the stock market crash of 1929, he lost everything. Never did buy that house or own much more than vehicles. He lived in fear of losing everything.
Money Beliefs Affect Your Adult Child Relationship
Money is an emotional trigger for many people. Even though we didn’t grow up in the Depression, our parents or grandparents did. They taught us what to believe about money.
Take a look at some of your money beliefs because they are influencing how you feel about the money you have or haven’t spent on your adult child. Have you ever thought any of the following?
“Money doesn’t grow on trees.”
“Rich people are selfish or greedy.”
“Money is the root of all evil.”
“There’s never enough money.”
“You have to work hard to have money.”
We want to be gentle and curious about our money beliefs. If, like my Dad, we live in fear of not having enough money then it makes sense that we feel used and abused when our adult child is ungrateful or dismissive of our financial sacrifices.
Let’s also get curious about our motives when we give money to our adult children. “Why did I pay their cell phone, car insurance, health insurance or college tuition? Why did I buy them a house or a car? What did I think was going to happen if I did that?”
“I wanted to help them get started in life. I wanted them to have an easier life than I had. Doesn’t that count for something,” mom wonders? “Is it too much for them to let me visit the house that I bought?”
The Adult Child’s Viewpoint
If we believe that our adult child owes us a relationship because we helped them financially, brace yourself because estrangement may be in your future. A huge complaint that adult children share is that their parent(s) are “transactional”. In other words, “I did this for you therefore you owe me that.”
“I thought my parents gave me braces and sent me to college because they loved me. I didn’t realize that I was going into “parent debt” because my teeth were straight and I am educated. All I hear over and over are comments like ‘after all I’ve done for you.’. I’m sick of it. Why would I want to be in a relationship with someone whose keeping score?”
The truth is that our adult child can’t really understand our sacrifices unless they have experienced something similar. We are all that way about something. I may hear someone talk about working two jobs to save enough money for college; I may even feel a level of empathy for that person but I simply cannot know what I do not know. Unless I have worked “two job” to save up for something big (like college), I have no idea what that sacrifice was really like.
I’m not making an excuse for our adult children. I am making space for ignorance – for not knowing what we cannot possibly know.
Just to get one thing straight: It is true that there are many adult children who are clueless to the sacrifices that their parents have made for them. It is also true that there are many parents who believe that their adult child owes them a relationship.
What Is a Parent to Do?
The most important step for parents is to “check our motives”.
If you WANT to give your adult child financial assistance and GIVING BRINGS YOU JOY then do it. In other words, if you feel less anxiety knowing that your child has a cell phone or health insurance or a car and you can help them financially then paying for those things is HELPING YOU to live a happier life.
Remember: You get to spend your money any way you want to. Period.
Your job is to get very clear about “why” you are spending the money and what you think will happen after you spend the money. If your motive is to put your adult child in a choke hold of guilt so that they are forced to interact with you, then keep your money. That plan will eventually backfire.
If, on the other hand, it burns you up to spend money on someone who is rude or ungrateful then don’t spend the money.
Either way you will have emotions whether you spend the money or don’t spend the money. Pay attention to your emotions! We learn much about our inner system by the emotions that accompany the payment or retention of money. Should you stop giving your adult child money? I think the answer depends on each situation but ultimately giving money is a decision that you must make. “11 Hard Truths Parents Need to Hear About Financially Supporting Their Adult Children” by Barrie Davenport has valuable information to consider.
You also get to set boundaries, parent. There is no rule that says spending money makes you a good parent. There’s also no rule that says you have to be a doormat in your adult child relationship.
If you’re struggling with your feelings around money, consider coaching with me. We can better understand our feelings about how our adult child reacts when we spend money on them by first being gentle and curious with ourselves.
