As a mother of a large family, I never dreamed that one day I would have an estranged adult child.
Truthfully, I didn’t even know what estrangement was.
I would be told that I didn’t do a good enough job being a mom. That because of me, my adult child was suffering. I still remember the confusion of a normal, friendly conversation turning into something that would change my life forever.
My heart was racing. My brain was scrambling. I didn’t understand what was happening.
I was becoming an estranged parent and didn’t even know it.
So I did what many of us were taught to do. I started explaining my side. After all, I was raised in the “communication fixes everything” generation. If we could just talk this through, surely this woule resolve.
It didn’t.
“I just need to explain my reasons for what I did or didn’t do and then my adult child will understand.”
So I explained.
They didn’t understand.
So I apologized.
Surely an apology would fix this.
It didn’t.
Instead, my apology seemed to make things worse. Emotions escalated into a full-on attack. Eventually, I fell silent as the storm continued, my adult child not even noticing I had stopped engaging.
I ended the conversation with, “I gotta go,” while trying to hold back tears that would not be contained.
That was the moment I became a mom with an estranged adult child.
I pushed back my chair and thought, “I wish I had never had kids. Trying to be a good mom isn’t worth this.”
I felt cheated. Misjudged. Shamed. Guilty. Angry at my adult child. Angry at myself.
“Why couldn’t I have been better?”
Nothing mattered more to me than family. And now I had what felt like proof that I had failed at the one thing that mattered most.
I didn’t know anyone else this had happened to.
What kind of mom has a child who cuts them off?
I was certain I was the only one.
And that loneliness made the pain even worse.
I’ve been a CPA (Certified Public Accountant) for 15 years and was already working as a Certified Life Coach when estrangement entered my life. Walking through it personally is what changed the direction of my work and led me to become a Certified Family Estrangement Coach specializing in parents and their estranged adult children.
Even with coaching skills, I was not immune to estrangement.
But those skills helped me rebound faster. They helped me see the situation with new perspective. They helped me shift from wishing I had never had children…to deeply enjoying my adult children again – regardless of the status of our relationship.
Healing myself did not have to wait for my adult child to heal.
I am also the mother of adult children who have been estranged from each other at different times. I know the weight of trying to manage the emotions of multiple hurting family members. I know the exhaustion. I know the helplessness.
And I know the relief that comes when you stop trying to fix everyone else and learn how to care for yourself first.
Family estrangement has been one of the hardest experiences of my life.
I would never wish it on anyone.
And yet, I now know with absolute certainty:
You can live a peaceful, meaningful, even joyful life – no matter what your adult child decides to do.
You can become an aware parent who is emotionally steady, confident and grounded.
You can stop living in constant anxiety, shame, and confusion.
You can feel like yourself again.
I’m not someone who did everything right.
I’m not someone with a perfect family.
I’m not someone who avoided estrangement because I had special knowledge.
I am a normal mom who went through something incredibly painful….and found a way to come out stronger, calmer, and happier on the other side.
If I can do this, you can too.
Working with parents of estranged adult children is a privilege I do not take lightly, because I know exactly what it feels like to sit where you are sitting right now.
And you do not have to walk this alone.
If you are an estranged parent who is exhausted, heartbroken, confused or drowning in estrangement grief, I can help.
You don’t have to wait for reconciliation to begin healing.
You can start today.
Read the Blog for Estranged Parents