“We have always had a great relationship; able to talk about anything, disagree sometimes and move on,” mom shares. “Then he got married. When he was dating, his girlfriend seemed fine with our family. But as soon as the ring was on her finger, things changed. Even during the pre-wedding days, we saw that she didn’t want us around. Now we aren’t allowed to text, call, email…nothing. Her family can visit but we can’t,” mom finishes.
What happened? How did the parents become enemies to the in-law child and consequently to their adult child?
While each situation is unique, I’ll offer some of the most common issues that arise with in-law children. To keep this email a little shorter I will use the acronym ILC (in-law child) to signify either a daughter-in-law or a son-in-law.
First, your ILC’s family dynamics growing up just merged with your family dynamics. Any past issues with parents or siblings are going to show up in their relationship with your adult child. For example, if ILC had a critical parent growing up then ILC may be hypersensitive to any perceived criticism from you. Of course you have no way of knowing that ILC had a critical parent and perhaps your family dynamic was always that everyone could speak their mind, disagree with one another (maybe passionately) and leave as friends. Their need to feel “safe” will override any logical explanation you can make.
Second, your ILC may have a mental health disorder that increases the risk of estrangement. ILC may be manipulative or controlling. Even depression or anxiety can influence ILC to do whatever it takes to feel safe or avoid feeling anxious. If a parent has a characteristic that triggers ILC’s anxiety then ILC may insist that spending time with you isn’t good for their mental health and consequently expect your adult child to back them up.
Third, an ILC may challenge your adult child’s love for them expecting absolute loyalty as a sign of a committed relationship. As a result, the ILC requires your adult child to cut off contact with parents and perhaps every family member….especially if those family members disagree with the ILC.
One of the biggest mistakes parents make in this situation is to criticize the ILC, either to their face or to their own adult child. If you’ve already done this, I understand. It seems perfectly logical to tell your adult child that their partner/spouse has “issues” or is trying to ruin your family.
This strategy always backfires…..okay maybe there was a time it didn’t backfire…..so it backfires about 99% of the time.
Remember that your adult child chose this ILC. For whatever reason, your adult child decided to commit to this other person. Maybe your adult child needs to be “needed” or the ILC has some of your characteristics that feel “normal” to your adult child…..there are 100s of “maybes” for how and why your adult child ended up with this person. But they did. (My first husband was an alcoholic. My dad was an alcoholic. Even though I didn’t drink or want to be around drinkers, I was drawn to an alcoholic.)
Our job as parents is to let our adult child “adult”. Part of adulting is making decisions. Whenever we begin criticizing the ILC our adult child hears, “Well you sure screwed this up. You took a major life decision and failed.”
Now WE don’t think that’s what we’re saying. WE think we’re saying, “Sweetheart, your partner has problems. You deserve better. Let me help you.” We believe we’re being supportive.
Let’s say that your adult child and the ILC decide to separate. Your adult child comes to you, bears their soul and gives you real evidence that 100% supports everything you ever thought about ILC. Most often parents will agree with their adult child and share with them their concerns about ILC.
Not a good idea.
IF and WHEN your adult child reunites with ILC, I promise you that they will tell ILC everything you said during the separation. Now ILC has ammunition to keep the estrangement alive. (Because you’re not a supportive parent; you don’t believe in adult child’s decision making skills; you are undermining them).
Let’s not forget that our adult child’s mental health issues may draw them to use the ILC as a means of creating distance with you. If your adult child never stood up for themselves then the ILC may be the perfect vehicle for them to do just that.
Family relationships are complex because people are complex. Every situation is unique even if there are similarities.
I know it’s painful to feel like an adult child is choosing their partner over you, the parent. But the truth is: the partner is always going to trump the parent. That’s part of adulting.
What can you do?
The first thing to do is to get support so that you can be heard; so that the parts of you that feel that your adult child is being so unfair or just plainly a jerk can say it out loud without repercussions.
The second thing is to develop self-compassion. It’s so easy to spend hundreds and thousands of hours being mean to ourselves because we weren’t good enough. But there is a way to honestly look back, without making excuses; that’s through self-compassion.
We want to prepare for the time when you come face to face with your adult child or get a call from them. We want to show up compassionately, confidently and calmly even if our adult child totally freaks out.
Compassion creates connection.
Book a free consult to learn how private coaching can help you become the compassionate, confident, calm parent.
