“It doesn’t make any sense to me,” complains dad. “I’ve been around the block more than ten times but if I try to say anything to my adult child, they tell me that I am out of line. Are you kidding me? Out of line? Was I “out of line” when we were paying for lessons, braces, college and insurance? What happened to common decency and respect? How is it that my viewpoint is “old https://thirdoakproductions.comfashioned” until they want/need money?”
Dad is fuming and I totally understand why he feels that way.
I want you to know that “parenting” is the hardest job you will ever do. Especially being a parent in this day and age. From technology to relationships, we may feel like there’s no way we can ever keep up. Things change so fast.
Many of us grew up in an era when being fed, clothed and sheltered was “great parenting” yet many adult children are insulted when we mention providing such necessities for them. Perhaps we have ourselves to blame for that attitude.
“I didn’t want them to worry about where their next meal was coming from,” explains mom.
Congratulations. Many of our adult children didn’t worry about things that we worried about as kids. Give yourself credit for removing worry from your child’s life that perhaps loomed over you as a kid. That is progress. You were able to parent a little better than your parents did.
The issue is that humans are naturally inclined to want to “do more” or “experience more”. We tend to think “what’s next?” (That’s why there are sooooo many versions of cell phones…..)
Let me tell you a story about my grandparent’s home. I remember visiting and seeing the single light bulb on the ceiling of their living room. That was curious to me because our house had table lamps (and no bulb in the ceiling).
I could never understand how my grandfather could read the paper in that dimly lit room. (I couldn’t understand because I had never had the experience of living by lantern light.) My mother told me that they didn’t always have electricity in their house. Her father was “very progressive” when he had that single bulb put into the ceiling.
I’m sure there were many people who “kept to the old ways” and didn’t (or couldn’t) embrace electricity. It was new. It was strange. Was it dangerous? Yet time showed that electricity revolutionized the world.
I am telling you this story because the same concept is true in your family relationships. Just because something has always been “done this way” doesn’t mean that there isn’t a better way – like electricity over lanterns.
Many adult children are learning how to have healthier relationships: relationships built upon “more” than food, clothing and shelter; relationships that are nourishing and joyful. They have discovered “electricity” and are hoping that we will put a bulb in our ceiling so that we can enjoy electricity together.
Let’s go back to the dad from the beginning of this email. He believes that “giving advice to his kids” is his right – no, his obligation as a father. When his adult children reject his advice, dad feels angry, used, unappreciated and frustrated.
I want to be clear: Dad has every right to feel the way he does. 100%.
The only thing that is happening is that his adult child wants the relationship to include “electricity” – a new element that they believe will make the relationship better…..healthier. Perhaps a healthier way is to let our adult child ask for advice first instead of assuming that they want it.
Learning that our advice isn’t necessarily helpful for our adult children is important. When we offer unsolicited advice we are basically saying, “Since you don’t know how to handle this, I’m going to tell you” or “You’ll never figure this problem out. Here’s the answer.”
We think we’re being helpful when we offer advice but instead we often create disconnect in the relationship.
Parenting is the hardest job you’ll ever do especially as humanity literally evolves right before our eyes. Never in history have we been able to see such drastic changes in very short periods of time. We shouldn’t be surprised that part of those changes involve our relationships.
Most adult children want to have a relationship with their parents; they just don’t want the same relationship that they had in the past. They want to move out of lanterns and into electricity.
The good news is that WE ARE the parents who can face that challenge. I have worked with many, many parents who have become more compassionate, confident and calm and their family relationships shift.
Parents ask, “Do you think I can change?”
I always ask them, “DO YOU THINK you can change?” If you have a willing heart then you can change.
Book a free consult to begin coaching. Waiting until tomorrow just increases your pain and delays your healing. You deserve happiness and I will guide you.
