When family dynamics create unhealthy patterns, estrangement often results. As a Certified Family Estrangement Coach, I see the results of unhealthy patterns usually between parents and their adult child(ren). “Preparing” is one of the best ways to deal with family estrangement and shift family dynamics. We “prepare” to show up differently in our relationships. What does that look like? We get to become comfortable with how our inner system works: why we do the things we do (or say). We get to develop self-compassion for our screwups…..not so that we push them under the rug or make excuses but so we can better understand our part in the estrangement.
Being prepared is a process and takes work but it is work worth doing…..if you want to nurture a healthier adult child connection.
What Gets In The Way of Being Prepared?
When an adult child cuts off contact, mom’s world crumbles. Many moms feel devastated and overwhelmed with heartbreak or sorrow. Maybe you’ve felt that way. I know I have.
Estrangement feels like the ultimate way of saying, “You suck. All of those long nights pacing the floor (whether with teething infants or delinquent teens) was a waste of time. The hours of homework, practices, games and vacations are meaningless. Sure we had some “good times” but I’m not going to focus on those. I only want to remember every wrong thing you ever did.”
After my adult child cut me off, I pushed back my chair and thought, “This wasn’t worth it. I wish I had never had kids.”
By this point I had children with addiction issues, health issues, mental health issues and then being cut off was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
Estrangement Even Though I Was a Life Coach
And I was a life coach. I had been working on my inner healing before the disconnect happened (never dreaming that my children would be a part of that process). Fortunately I was better prepared to deal with the mental and emotional backlash and yet I still felt like a total failure.
After I wished that I had never had kids, I burst into tears. My heart was literally breaking. Dealing with family estrangement cemented my belief that I was a “mom failure”.
I didn’t know if and when I might ever get the chance to interact with this adult child again but I decided that I needed to prepare myself. I already knew that an infinite cut off was possible. This particular family member had previously cut off other family members; some for as long as 4 years (and counting). I hoped to nurture a healthy adult child connection even though the odds seemed to be against me. I
When we have that odd, unusual, rare, unexpected interaction with an estranged adult child, we want to be prepared. We want to be able to face them confidently and not freak out. It may be the only chance we get to positively influence a reconciliation. Read Inner Work for Estranged Parents to learn more.
When the Unexpected Happens
Let me tell you a story of a mom who was struggling with an estranged adult daughter. The daughter refused to speak to mom or interact with her in any way. They lived in different cities. Mom fretted that a once close relationship was now basically non existent. Dealing with family estrangement provided many sleepless nights for mom which only made it harder for her to think as clearly as she used to do.
The adult daughter seemed to be busy with her life and happy……without mom.
Mom did what so many of us do: she “kept herself busy so that she didn’t think about her adult daughter” all of the time.
Now when I tell you that sometimes the strangest things happen, I’m not kidding.
Mom walks into the grocery store….in her own town…..far away from where the daughter lives or plays. As she’s turning the cart at the end of an aisle, mom looks up and her adult daughter is standing there!
The daughter looks up at the same time. Mom did what many moms do and tried to “fake it till you make it”. She tried to be casual and said “hello” to her daughter. In a split second, a casual “hello” turned into “words” between the two of them (in the aisle of the store).
Mom stormed off but not before she told her daughter to “Flip off” (you get my drift)…..out loud…..in the store.
The irony is that mom doesn’t use the “F” word….. ever.
In this very public place, mom’s heartbreak, worry, hurt and sorrow bubbled up like Old Faithful at Yellowstone Park.
Why Did Mom Deal With Family Estrangement That Way?
The unexpected interaction threw mom’s inner system into fight or flight. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t “fake it till you make it”.
Mom’s disappointment in how she reacted created even more pain. She had finally had her daughter right in front of her; she knew the entire conversation could have gone better. She wished she had been more relaxed, more welcoming and happier to see her daughter.
The truth, mom felt VERY happy to see her daughter but the happiness remained hidden. The hurt part of mom told her daughter to “F off”. Mom reacted instead of responded. Dealing with family estrangement caused unexpected stress at the very moment she needed to be calm.
When we ignore the pain we are feeling then we are more prone to lash out. What we want to do instead is be curious and gentle about the hurt we feel so that we can heal. Then we can respond calmly to the unexpected adult child interaction instead of saying or doing things that we later regret. We can nurture a healthy adult child connection instead of deepening the divide.
Prepare for the unexpected. You might look up and find your adult child staring at you.
Get my free Managing Estrangement Trauma guide for 6 ways you can begin preparing today!
