Doesn’t it seem coincidental that since therapy began, adult children are busy blaming parents for everything wrong in their life?”
“I would NEVER have complained to my parents the way my adult child complains to me.”
“Everything was fine in our relationship until my adult child began going to therapy. Suddenly I can’t say anything without making my adult child feel ‘unsafe’. There are so many boundaries in our relationship that I can’t keep up with them! I don’t know why I’m the ‘bad guy’. I only tried to give them a better life than what I had,” complains mom. If you’ve felt the way this mom feels, you’re not alone.
Before I address adult children blaming their parents for everything, let’s take a look at a societal shift that may have affected how your parented.
Can Societal Trauma Affect Us?
I understand how parents may conclude that “therapy is the problem”. Before therapy there weren’t any “issues”. In my experience as a Certified Family Estrangement Coach every family has “issues”. The question is: how do we deal with those issues?
The reasons why anyone goes to therapy is unique to each individual. Adult children might tell me that they began therapy because “I didn’t want to yell at my kids the way my mom yelled at me.” Sometimes they decide to go to therapy because they have anxiety that keeps them from living a full life. Whatever the reason, today’s adult child is very likely to go to therapy at some point in their life.
Can you blame them? Ask yourself if your adult child lived during Elizabeth Smart’s kidnapping or the onset of public school shootings? Whether we want to admit it not, I know that I became a fearful parent. After Elizabeth Smart was kidnapped, I never left a window open more than a few inches.
While that may seem extreme, I remember wanting to protect my children. The relief on my daughter’s face when she saw us take precautions to keep bad people out still pops into my mind. I asked her over a decade later if she remembered anything about Elizabeth Smart. Surprisingly she quickly answered, “YES!”
I remember the Columbine shooting and the shock that swept the nation. How could a kid walk into a classroom and kill children? It was unfathomable (and still is).
Did My Fear Contribute to Adult Child Estrangement?
Consequently, parents began hold more tightly onto their children. We orchestrated “play dates” and became less willing to let their kids just run through the neighborhood. Parents knowing where kids were at any moment in the day was top priority.
Even as I write this, I can feel fear pulse through me and I don’t even have kids at home. (Looks like I have some emotions that want my attention).
For many parents, “being alert” about what our kids were doing and who they were with became a way of life; as normal as eating dinner or doing homework. How many of us went to therapy to process our fear? My guess is that the vast majority of us didn’t. Our adult children are different. They are willing to look deeper and learn.
I’m not saying that either of these experiences in and of themselves have catapulted our children into therapy. I am saying the lifestyle changes we made may be showing up as anxiety or an unwillingness to adult.
Understandably we may be perceived as the overbearing, over protective parents – control freaks by our adult children. We can take a step back to understand “why” they may be blaming parents for everything wrong in their lives. We don’t have to agree with them to understand where they’re coming from.
Many Reasons for Adult Children to Go to Therapy
When we take a step back and try to put ourselves into the world our adult child grew up in then it can be easier for us to understand one reason “why” they are going to therapy. They are trying to figure out why they think the way they think and do the things they do….and how to change it.
I do want to mention that there are many other reasons an adult child may go to therapy: domestic violence, sexual abuse, addiction, parental alienation, “had to take care of the parent”….to name a few.
What to Do When Adult Child Is Blaming Parents for Everything
First, accept that we live in a time where mental health matters. That’s actually something we can learn from our adult child: take care of our mental health (since we probably grew up trying not to be a whiner or ball-baby). When adult children bring up issues from their childhood, they hope we will understand them better. We tend to feel like adult children are blaming parents for everything wrong in their lives. We tend to feel that they are shaming, criticizing or rejecting us. Our feelings make sense because we would never have shared such intimate things with our parents.
We want to take a step back and listen with the intent to learn and then validate their feelings. Adult children often feel that sharing their experiences or feelings is a way to be closer to us. That’s why they are so surprised when we get defensive. From an adult child’s viewpoint they have asked, “Will you be my friend?” and we have answered, “No!”
Second, stop waiting for your adult child to “change their mind”. The truth is: patience is DEFINITELY a virtue when dealing with estrangement but waiting for someone else to change is a waste of precious time. We only have control over ourselves, not our adult child. Develop curiosity about the part we played in creating the strain in the relationship.
Third, prepare yourself to be a positive influence in your adult child relationship. Instead of reacting with feelings of hurt, anger or rejection we want to show compassion, confidence and calmness. That’s the place connection can happen. This piece is a process and is often referred to as “inner work”. Read Inner Work for Estranged Parents: A Path to Reconnecting for more insights.
How Estranged Parents Can Move Forward
We don’t know if or when we may look up and see our adult child standing there in the grocery aisle or at the gas station. But what I know is that without preparation, we will say or do things that we later regret and beat ourselves up for. Instead of saying, “Hi. You look great in that blue blouse” we feel hurt, angry and rejected. We may act in ways we regret. Our interaction confirms to our adult child “why” they cut us off in the first place.
“Should” adult children blame their parents for everything? I don’t think so. But parents are in the best position to offer compassion and gentleness for what their adult child is going through. As parents take care of their healing, we become a safe place for our adult child to connect. We can’t control what our adult child does and whether they blame us or not.
The fact that your adult child goes to therapy isn’t the problem. The “problem” is learning how to be curious when an adult child blames us for everything wrong in their lives. “Tell me more” or “I’d like to understand what you mean” can create a window of connection. One step at a time.