If you grew up in America, there’s a good chance that you watched a few Disney movies with your children. I know Cinderella and Snow White were staples in our home. I had never focused much on the “evil stepmother” until I was suddenly a stepmother myself.
Then I didn’t much care for the description “evil”. I resented the fact that society at large seemed to judge stepmoms as people who had “ulterior motives” instead of being willing to love and care for kids who weren’t their own.
Additionally, there’s the “and they lived happily ever after” phrase that sounds great in a bedtime story but is totally unrealistic in the real world.
Why are we talking about Disney movies, stepmothers and “happily ever after” in an estrangement newsletter?
Because our supercomputer brains record every tiny detail 24/7 and store this information for future use…..including movies, songs, etc.
I know that I didn’t grow up watching Disney movies as a kid. DVRs hadn’t been created and the only way to watch a Disney movie was when it aired once a year on TV.
But I “watched” hundreds of Disney movies as my kids grew up (and we only had the TV on Friday evening through Saturday). Even though I wasn’t riveted to the movie, my brain recorded it so I would have the information when I needed it. Every time Cinderella finally got the handsome prince, my brain recorded it….over and over again. (You may imagine that my husband didn’t stand a chance being a “normal guy” against the Handsome Prince.)
Without realizing it, my brain was learning about family relationships by watching Disney movies. (now that’s a scary thought, right???).
The point is: some of the subconscious thoughts roaming around in the background of my mind were about the Princess finding her Prince (of course perfect) and then living “happily ever after”. Although Disney never said it directly, many of us assumed that they had a pretty perfect family too.
Can you see “why” it feels so difficult to accept that your adult child relationship isn’t “perfect”? Sure, there may be “issues” (like your stepmother wants to kill you or use you as slave labor) but in the end, everything works out….doesn’t it?
The truth is that people are complex. Families are complex and none of them are perfect. None of them.
Instead of trying to have a perfect family, I invite you to consider that maybe your family is a lot more “normal” than you think it is. Sometimes people don’t get along. Sometimes people are stubborn. Sometimes feelings are hurt. Sometimes mental health issues, addiction or the influence of others thwart your hope of a happy family.
The issue isn’t “when” we experience family dysfunction; the issue is knowing how to repair a relationship.
As parents we want to get super comfortable with repairing a rupture in the adult child relationship. We want to get comfortable with our adult child’s healing taking more or less time than our healing. We want to get comfortable with the messiness that we call “family”.
Let this email be an opportunity to reflect on where you got the belief that family is supposed to be more “perfect” than it is. As long as we expect perfection, we will continue to feel cheated…..and feeling cheated will never help us to connect.
Private coaching is the perfect place for you to share your thoughts and feelings without being judged and in total confidence. Your healing matters and directly affects the adult child relationship.
If you’re worried that time is running out then stop wasting it and book a free consult to learn how we can coach together.
